Redefining How we Measure Progress in Eating Disorder Recovery
“I’m failing,”
“I have lost all my progress I have made so far to get here.”
“I took five steps back in my recovery,”
“How did I get back here? I’m never going to recover!”
These are some of the most disheartening thoughts I hear from people in recovery. So many folx experience these feelings and thoughts of hopelessness that feed the eating disorder voice’s agenda. In recovery, it is so easy to feel like you are stuck, going nowhere. It is common to feel like you are in the middle of the woods with no clear path, so far away from any kind of exit out of the dark wooded area. This paralyzing feeling of hopelessness, paired with BOTH the reality that recovery does include many moments of struggle and downs AND the fact that we can not SEE and HOLD progress in the way that comforts us, makes it easy for those seducing eating disorder thoughts to pop in and tell us that we may as well just give up. How do we hold hope when we feel so hopeless? How do we encourage ourselves when we feel so discouraged?
To move through recovery with more compassion and perspective, we must first reconceptualize what progress looks like in recovery.
When many think about what progress looks like, the majority of people may think of only a few things- the decrease or absence of behaviors and the decrease or absence of markers of illness or symptoms that the eating disorder creates.
Although, of course important and always on our radar, boxing recovery into those two things and have a narrow view of recovery can very well be one of your biggest barrier to recovery.
How is this a barrier?
I want you to think about the times in which you felt hopeless in recovery and pick one of those moments that sticks out to you. What were you experiencing at that time? How did you feel about your recovery in that moment?
I can guess that the time that you are envisioning was a time when your behaviors were very prevalent. With those behaviors very prevalent, I can imagine that the thoughts that took up most of your brain space were probably thoughts that were shaming; thoughts including:
Ugh, look where you are!
You are back right where you started!
You have been working at this for so long and have gotten nowhere!
Ugh, those are nasty thoughts.
I want you to take a deep breath, and without judgement, try and think about how these thoughts may have kept you stuck or feeling down during that time of struggle. Most often, I find that most people keep themselves stuck in the two following ways:
identifying with shameful thoughts: When the shameful thoughts come in, it is easy to take them in as truth without any question and identify with them. It is easy to lack self-awareness of how we are allowing ourselves to say that these thoughts are truth.
tunnel vision: we create a barrier by narrowly focusing on what is happening in the current moment and drawing a lot of conclusions about your recovery based on that one moment. In this moment, we are in our hard emotions and it is hard to think clearly. Defining our recovery based on that moment or struggle is very unhelpful.
So what do we do instead? How do we move forward in a helpful way?
1. Zoom out with intention and awareness: in those moments it’s really important to look at the big picture of recovery. Although we feel in the forest with no way out at the moment, we are unable to see that all of what we have done has brought us to where we are on the trail . We are unable to see how far we have come and all the things that we have accomplished that have made us stronger in our recovery, despite our current struggle. Recovery is not defined by one moment, but rather is defined of many many different moments in many many different areas. So even through the struggle, even in those times when behaviors are strong, we are making progress in one way or the other with every step we take.
2. Redefine how you are measuring your progress in recovery and then celebrate that progress: Recovery is messy. Recovery is grey. Recovery is not linear. Since committing yourself to recovery, think about all of the things you have accomplished and all the ways you have progressed. Borrow some from the following list below and celebrate your wins: an important conversation, increased motivation, doing hard things, better understanding of your eating disorder, better understanding of your triggers, better understanding of self-care, creating boundaries, a hard and/or great conversation with your treatment team, insight you did not have once upon a time.
3. Practice self-compassion and move forward: Imagine that you just had a really hard day. You are in the misery of the feelings that the hard day have brought and so you decide to call a friend for comfort. They answer the phone and you tell them all about your really hard day. They listen and then respond with “well you might as well just give up; you are a lost cause. You are such a failure.” If a friend responded in that way, you probably would reconsider your relationship. However, you are unconsciously letting yourself be that shaming friend in those hard situations. You need to practice being a better friend to yourself. Choose to hold space for the struggles that you are currently experiencing while taking care of yourself around them. In that time of struggle, you have two options- you can be kind to yourself and take care of the tough emotions you are feeling or to identify with those shameful thoughts and pour salt in the wound and shame the shame. (Find more self-compassion resources here.)
So, I wish you well as you start challenging those thoughts. This is no easy task, but it is well worth it. We are here to support you along the way. Click the button below to learn more about how we can support you on your journey and/or subscribe to get content sent directly to your inbox.