Dear Eating Disorder Recovery Warrior, I hope you become your "Safe Space."

Dear Eating Disorder Recovery Warrior,

I see how hard you are fighting. I see how badly you want to be free from that eating disorder voice. I also see how badly you want to listen to the eating disorder voice, at the very same time. I see you speaking about how the eating disorder provides you safety and security. I see the discomfort that you are experiencing as you try and ignore the eating disorder voice. I see your awareness growing as you learn about and understand what comes out of your triumphs and pain. I see you.

 And here is what I hope for you.

Both struggles and wins in our recovery raise our awareness. The eating disorder thrives in the unexplored. They both give us indispensable experiences. We need both. And it is this awareness that is so powerful because it gives us insight and understanding that we need to move forward. Remember that although moving forward sometimes feels like taking steps backward, the struggle is part of the journey and the uncomfortable can not be avoided if you aim to heal. Through this journey, we will experience many hardships, many ups, and downs. When we go through this experience of learning and growing, although we will not be able to be in control of avoiding uncomfortable emotions, although we will not be able to avoid going through tough experiences, although we can not avoid doing hard things, we do have control over something invaluable. We have the control over (and the privilege of) the practice of becoming our own safe space. It's very important to recognize, understand, and be mindful of how you are showing up for yourself in these tough moments in recovery. Do you greet them with kindness, compassion, and curiosity from a non-judgmental place or do you greet them with shame and judgment? Recovery is extremely messy and difficult and when we are shaming ourselves throughout the process about how we should be somewhere different, how we are failing, how we're not good enough, how we are not meeting expectations for ourselves or for the eating disorder, we are shaming the shame we feel. This is bringing us to a place of hopelessness. A place that does not feel like a safe place. This space doesn't encourage us to be vulnerable or to do uncomfortable things. It doesn't invite us to experiment and learn from these experiences. It creates a space that we understandably try and stay far away from, avoiding the shame. That caregiver that we become for ourselves is one we do not want to be around and try to avoid at all costs. This is what keeps us stuck.

My hope for you is that you will start and/or continue to raise awareness around who you are being for yourself. Are you being that friend that you can go to with anything, knowing that you will receive comfort and support or are you being that person that you avoid for going to them only brings you down and makes you feel worse, leaving you feeling confused and ashamed? 

I believe a big part of recovery is learning to be that safe space for ourselves. I believe it is learning how to be that caregiver that you can count on. I believe it is learning to come home to yourself. Of course, this process takes a lot of practice and patience, but the practice of recovery becomes more comfortable and more clear as we learn to become our own safe space. I hope you learn to move through the triumphs of recovery with kindness and the struggles of recovery with compassion.