Grow as You Go Week 3: Symbiotic Relationships
Welcome to Week 3! I’m so Glad You’re Here, Friend!
They say no person is an island. And honestly, that’s not a great comparison, because even no island is an island! Islands are not a stand-alone ecosystem by any means. Their survival depends on the surrounding waters, the climate, migrating animals, and so on. Similarly, we as people are all connected and dependent on each other for survival, at least, and to thrive, at best. Connection and support are both natural and essential for all living creatures. That’s probably part of the reason a not-so-subtle pandemic has hit us all so hard mentally and emotionally.
Humans are inherently social, even the most introverted among us. We crave the reassurance which comes from other humans, be that a deep hug from your closest loved one or a friendly smile from a stranger on the street. Our brains are hardwired to work with others on a fundamental level. It is downright unhealthy for us physiologically to exist in isolation. To maintain psychological homeostasis and emotional regulation, we need the chemicals our brain produces most naturally through interaction with others.
So now that we’ve established that we need people at the very least, how do we know if we’re surrounding ourselves with the right people? Well, one way to tell is to look for symbiosis. In nature, a symbiotic relationship is any type of a close and long-term biological interaction between two different biological organisms. For example, the way a bee is necessary for the pollination of flowers and in turn produces honey from the flower’s nectar; without both organisms functioning, neither can survive. There are three main types: mutualistic, commensalistic, or parasitic. (we’ll discuss parasitic relationships more next week in Lesson 4) The bee and the flower are mutualistic, both parties need each other and benefit. In a commensalistic relationship, however, only one party typically benefits, and the other is simply unaffected. A great example of this can be found between sharks and remora fish. The fish hitches a ride on the shark’s back and eats any leftover food, and the shark just…goes along with it for some reason, but seems totally unbothered.
Have you seen those cute little videos where a gorilla and a kitten become friends? It’s adorable, but symbiosis differs from those kinds of quirky anomalies in that it is a biological imperative, a well-established, essential support system. When attempting to improve our own ecosystem, we, too, need more than surface-level relationships. In this first takeaway, we’ll learn how to identify, choose, and communicate with our support system.
Now, when I first mentioned “support system” did any certain persons come to mind? Perhaps a parent, best friend, co-worker, or sibling? The first people that came to mind are probably folks who you already identify as your core support system. I imagine you hold a great deal of love, respect, and admiration for these people. Let’s pause and take a moment of gratitude for those in our lives who provide us with this type of loving support; it is truly a privilege to have people like this throughout your life.
“Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers. But most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.”
Now here’s the sticky part. Sometimes, the people who are our biggest cheerleaders in so many areas of our lives can be our toughest barriers to recovery in food and body peace. More often than not, this is absolutely the farthest from their intention. Maybe you’ve heard phrases such as “I want what’s best for your health” or “you looked so great back at xyz” or “are you sure you want to eat that? I’m just looking out for you!” They most likely genuinely believe that they are speaking or acting out of your best interest, and may not see how harmful this narrative can be.
Turning our support system into a group that is supportive of all aspects of you is tricky. We each come armed with our own health ideals, upbringing, education, personal experience, and belief systems. But if we take a note from last week’s lesson, we can begin to turn this around by focusing on the positive and the objective truths.
Truth: My parent loves me and wants me to be healthy.
Truth: Commentary on my body and food triggers unhealthy behaviors.
Both are true, but the two parties are not communicating in the same language.
As much as human brains rely on each other for connection, unfortunately the direct telepathy upgrade still isn’t out yet. There’s a bit of interpreting which needs to be done when asking for specific support. Here are some ways to close that communication gap. Ever hear of “pick your battles?” Well we’re gonna learn how to pick your APPLES! (Gotta keep it botanical, baby! Don’t ya love a good acronym?)
Ask yourself first: “what would make me feel better? What language would best speak to me?”
Have some key starter phrases prepared: “I would love it if ____. “ “Please help me by ___.” “I would really appreciate it if ______.” “When you ______, it makes me feel ____.” “I need you to ____ so that I can _____.” (Note that none of these are questions; this subtle level of assertion conveys to the other party that you are not asking for their permission, but rather communicating a need.)
Practice patience with the other party; they may not be used to my communicating this way or on this subject
Limit or eliminate assumptions and guesswork (on both sides): be clear about what words you heard the other party say, reflect how it translated to you, and be clear with your response and intention, as well
Engage other emotions (humor, logic, compassion). Make your request relatable in a way that your person typically responds to well
Be specific and safe. Provide other examples of specific ways you’d like them to speak on this topic (or not speak on it) in the future. If you feel safe doing so, be specific about what your triggers are
This model can be applied in any order that feels natural for the flow of the conversation at hand. You may notice that you don’t need to use all elements to get your point across. That’s okay! This is not a script; just a framework. Make it work for you.
Below are some examples of ways to ask for respectful support from your network:
Honor your instincts by asking openly for what you need. As my mom always says, “the worst they can say is no.” And if they do say no, perhaps this person isn’t the best pillar of support for you. That doesn’t mean you have to cut them off completely, but maybe think about drawing a distinct boundary between their place in other areas of your life and their place in your recovery. (And if they don’t respect that boundary still, well darlin’, we’ve got bigger ferns to fry.)
“Symbiotic relationships: we are all part of a life cycle...a journey together with relations that are both seen and unseen.”
Now that we’ve discussed your existing support system, let’s explore a little more about ways to expand that circle. Given our inherent individuality, I can’t give you a precise formula for how to seek support, but here are some questions to ask yourself when deciding who may have the privilege of entering your life, or even moving up a level from an existing relationship tier:
How does this person make me feel about myself?
Which parts of our lifestyles mesh well?
What do we have in common?
What don’t we have in common?
What core values do we seem to share?
Do I trust this person with sensitive information?
Do I see this relationship lasting past the next few months?
How has this person shown me they want to be in my life?
Why do I want to be in his/her/their life?
Does this person honor the vulnerable aspects of my being?
Can I trust them to speak out against injustice, not just for me, but for all people like me or otherwise?
Does this person make me feel safe?
Does this person make me feel happy?
Will this person consistently make time for me?
Two drinks and a plant: a shortcut
Mutualistic relationships are the most self-sustaining; energy is exchanged equally. I’m sure you’ve heard of the big mutualistic relationship we humans most rely on, the one between us and plants. We breathe out carbon dioxide they need and they produce oxygen we need. What a great system! And a perfect example of how to check your relationship for reciprocal value. Obviously, we will have periods where we’ll have to lean on our supports more, or they’ll need to lean harder on us. And that’s okay. But if in the big picture you’re always giving 80% and they’re only putting up 20%, that’s not a sustainable way to meet your own needs. Without being careful, you could quickly deplete your own energy and resources by staying in this type of relationship.
In fact, this model more accurately describes a commensalistic relationship, and there is a time and place for those. For the purposes of our theme, I’ll refer to these as Garden Center supports. These are support types not found in our natural habitat, but instead sought out for the sole purpose of serving our needs. Think of a breathtaking orchid. When is the last time you saw one without its little sidekick stand holding it up? For me, never. In this type of relationship, the holder, called a stake, has one job: to prop the orchid up, allowing it to grow to its highest potential. The stake doesn’t really benefit from holding the orchid, but it certainly doesn’t suffer. It’s a neutral party with a job to do, designed specifically for this purpose.
Similarly, while your core support system is great to have, it never hurts to enlist professional support. Psychiatrists, therapists, dietitians, and medical providers are all tools in the proverbial Garden Center that are available to you. Takeaway #2 is don’t be shy to use external supports. And hey, if you need to browse a little before finding a good fit, that’s absolutely okay. We all went through a ton of schooling and training to become a stake for your orchid. We are neutral, but thoroughly equipped to do the job we are designed for: supporting you. We don’t mind having that commensalistic relationship with you; in fact, it’s kind of the point! Though we definitely are honored to learn from you and with you, we primarily serve to give of ourselves professionally, so that you can lean a little lighter on your natural support system. If you are ready to get some more stakes for your garden, you can always reach out to us at contact@sidebysidenutrition.com
The last takeaway is about one more type of support which you might find helpful. Takeaway #3: Every seed has a plant which came before it. Likewise, you are not the first in your kind of struggle. Seeking out those who have been where you are now can be a comforting, affirming, life-changing part of recovering your relationship with nutrition. Thanks to the connectivity of the internet, you can find many awesome support groups, message boards, social media pages, and recovery apps. (The internet can be a slippery slope, however, so be sure to look for sources that specifically mention recovery, Health at Every Size, body positivity, and anti-shaming.) Your local RDN or Eating Disorder-informed health professional can also point you towards in-person offerings in your area, if you do better with face-to-face (or shall I say mask-to-mask) interactions.
You are certainly not alone, and although no one knows your struggle like you do, the welcoming folks who have shared this type of journey are probably the closest you’re going to find. No one better knows how to reframe, restrategize, and resist negativity like those with the lived experience. I hope you find your tribe as another gift for your growth.
Speaking of social, I had the pleasure of sitting down with two of my favorite people and biggest supporters. Check out our conversation on support and friendship here!
To Recap Lesson III: Symbiotic Relationships
Takeaway #1
Symbiosis is essential; identify, choose, and communicate with your support system
Takeaway #2
Utilize your Garden Center; don’t be shy about procuring professional support
Takeaway #3
Every seed has a plant that came before it; look to those who’ve experienced similar journeys
“We all need social systems to thrive, but survival must come first and that requires a special kind of support. Look for those in your life who can prop you up when conditions get rough. And once you’re out of your pit, be sure to reach back and lift others as you climb. This is a great way to be sure we always let love drive our circle of life. If symbiosis in nature can teach us one thing, it’s that we can find our geatest support in the most unexpected of allies. ”
About the Author
"Kymber Stephenson is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist living and working in the Greater Denver area. Her experience began with a love of food which led her to pursue a degree in Culinary Arts from Johnson & Wales University. As her love of science and helping people wove with that initial path, she continued on to a Bachelor of Science in Culinary Nutrition with a dual concentration in clinical dietetics and culinary food science.
Kymber is especially passionate about eating disorder management and prevention. In this vein, she focuses on educating clients about the multi-faceted ways history, marketing, food systems, culture, psychology, and body image affect health and relationships to nutrition, food, and body. She works with clients to truly fall in love with food again, acknowledging not only its nourishing properties, but truly embracing its comforts, tradition, and fun! Working in a client-guided manner with a Health at Every Size approach, she strives to help each unique person reach their idea of peace and satisfaction in their bodies and their overall lives. Kymber's driving philosophy is that all people deserve equitable access to quality food and evidence-based nutrition education, regardless of status or background."