Stories of Eating Disorder Recovery: Do it Differently
Throughout my journey with an eating disorder, I lived much of it in frustration. I lived life the same way after treatment. It went like this: hit rock bottom, go to treatment, struggle in treatment, start trusting my team and follow my meal plan in treatment, feel motivated and know that this is the LAST time in treatment (I’ve got this!), and for a few weeks or months after treatment followed my meal plan.
Mindy is in recovery from anorexia and bulimia. She is a recovery advocate for eating disorders.
After those weeks or months following my meal plan after treatment, I would start to slowly revert to eating disorder behaviors. The slip started when I let my guard down and started justifying small behaviors. Before I knew it, my slip had turned into a slide. I would find myself miserable, frustrated, yet denying anything was wrong. Much of my denial was based in shame. How could I let myself get here again? What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard to “just eat”?
I believe I am an intelligent person. Any challenges I have encountered in life, I have tackled head on and succeeded. However, I did not understand how I could not follow a meal plan? It can’t be that hard! Why can’t I do this? I KNOW what to do but just can’t do it.
My final time in treatment, I discharged and within a few months the same struggle began. I was again frustrated.
My dietitian had nothing new to tell me. In fact, I already knew what she would say each time I had an appointment. I realized that she was not going to tell me anything different…ever. It was up to me to “do it differently”.
Simultaneous a good friend encouraged me to give the meal plan another try and stay on it longer. She told me about a mutual friend who was able to recover after committing to her meal plan for as long as it took to tolerate nourishing and caring for her body appropriately. I knew I was created for so much more than being enslaved to my eating disorder. So, I set some goals.
About a year and a half after treatment, I walked into my RD’s office with goals written on a card. The goals were:
No weighing myself.
75%-->100% of meal plan daily, with the intention of 100%.
Set an intention before doing movement and follow preset time limit.
Stop using lattes to restrict.
Give my dietitian 6 months to see if the meal plan really works in recovery.
I went back into a strict treatment like mindset concerning my goals. I felt I needed to be rigid initially hoping it would be easier down the road. The first four weeks of my commitment to my team was rough. I had physical symptoms like bloating, slow digestion, bowel issues, break outs, and I felt awful overall. About six weeks in, my body started to semi trust me. I kept going and It did become easier. By three months, I no longer had to think to much about food. I did have to be intentional about meal prepping and packing but not obsessing. Naturally, that six months turned into another six months and now it has turned into five years.
Let me be clear, this was not a magic fix. In fact, there were other items I needed to address. For me, this was the catalyst to get unstuck. I needed my nutrition to be stable so I could work on the emotions driving the disorder. I also want to be honest about my recovery. I still have thoughts about food and movement. I expect, for me, my eating disorder will always lie dormant and ready to reactivate to “help” me cope. I use my self-awareness and choose to make decisions that move away from the disorder. I’m grateful these actions have allowed me to be free.
For me, freedom has always existed in a boundary. When I didn’t have a boundary, I didn’t know where to go, what to do, or how to function. The meal plan served as my boundary. For the most part I now eat and move intuitively. However, if struggles were to pop back up, I can go back to the basics of the meal plan to guide me.
A little about Mindy : Mindy is in recovery from anorexia and bulimia. She is a recovery advocate for eating disorders. During her journey of recovery, she recognized how detrimental black and white thinking was to her recovery and was challenged to live in the gray. She changed her gray to the hot pink and tries to live a more balanced life of less extremes. She volunteers at the Eating Disorder Foundation of Denver, mentors high school students through YoungLife, guest blogs, and is a guest speaker to groups about eating disorder recovery. She is also passionate about educating loved ones of those struggling with eating disorders. You can find her on top of a mountain skiing in the winter or hiking in the summer.